/Cebu, Phils.
today in history, I took the first ever photo on my photo booth using my new macbook pro. after a good 9 years of photo editing and digital work and content creating, I finally upgraded.
still couldn’t believe it
of course, I’m looking forward for more work to come. that’s why I finally upgraded.
manifesting apocalypse money this 2022
thank you.. good, bye
hi
So tonight, as I rummaged through a field of notebooks to look for something I couldn’t explain, (I guess, the universe is just telling me to go over everything to lead me to this moment) I found out the essence of “falling apart” and how it felt to me, a few years back. I found notes. Entries, rather. From a journal I haven’t touched in awhile. Not that I didn’t want to, but I guess, I just had so many things and people happening in my life that I have forgotten a friend.
As I read through it, I felt really odd. It’s something when someone writes because they’re happy but it’s something else what sad people can write. Why does this pineapple juice smell like milk anyway?
Okay, so the idea is to share to you this last entry which was written during the time I fell apart on my last relationship. Yeah, the last entry. People who know me in real life would know the things I went through, and they would know I didn’t have all the time in my life to write everything down. My initial reaction was pity, if you want to know. But mostly, congratulations––for dancing with the words and putting them into this beautiful caricature of immensely petrified piece of paper. I just thought it was written well enough for me to appreciate myself more, because I know what I’m capable of.. or what I used to be capable of… somehow.
It’s like I’m appreciating another person, and not me. You know?
But, really. Disclaimer: I’m okay now, and doing really well. It’s been.. years? Has it been 2 years already? Wow. Okay. I checked. But yeah, I’m fine right now and I look for joy in every waking day, and gratitude for every sleeping hour. It does not linger anymore, unlike before. Ooh, I remember. And you know what they say, you can never forget your first heartbreak, but you can always change how you perceive it. And I am perceiving it as an experience, and a lesson in favor of myself and for the love that is to come.
And I am excited.
I will be typing it down and attaching a scanned copy of the entry, as it is on my journal. (You know, to make it more personal. Ha-ha)
Saturday
Feb 11, 2017
12:44 nn
Today, is the day that I finally realize that I’m done.
I’m supposed to feel pain and anguish.
I’m supposed to cry for being such a failure.
But I didn’t feel anything sort of those.
I feel more like.. anger, hatred and disappointment.
(edit: lol.. that would be .. angry, hateful and disappointed)
Not towards myself, but for him.
(edit: to him)
I feel like I won’t be able to be something like Rebecca in “This is Us” because he will never be like Jack.
He will never be the loving person he is.
And I won’t be able to return the favor.
I’m supposed to cry because I’m hurt but it seems like, all of the tears just disappeared and that’s when I knew I had enough.
You know, in this cycle of feelings, the next I should feel (and I am expecting it) is “sadness”
Sadness for everything that might’ve been.
What could’ve been, and all the plans unmade.
Sadness for all the effort totally wasted because of one feeling. It always boils to this..
It will come. I could feel it.
The bitter truth of things not falling apart as planned and expected. The bitter fact of things being erased one by one, replaced by mistakes, interconnecting to create a story of a sour ending.
That’s when you’ll know, you’re done.
I’m really trying my best not to lose interest in the relationship that I am in. But seeing that everything seems to be unchanging and it’s still the same shit everyday. It’s still the same him everyday, all private, secretive and always something I should figure out.
I am just a person, and I get tired sometimes.. most of the times. It’s sad how everything is going this way. I am turning into something else… entirely different from someone I am supposed to be. And it sucks, knowing you had the perfect person but never the perfect soul. You are always looking for something else from him, and seeing that he isn’t the one you are expecting him to be, is not the right path. It isn’t, dear. It will never be.
It is sad.. always.
Whenever I’m with him, I couldn’t miss a moment of thought that he might be lying to me. That he has secret motives. That he is just using me for his own pleasure. And the truth that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him.
But do I really? Loving shouldn’t be like this, right?
What if I’ve been the wrong one all along. And he loves me unconditionally? But all I cared about are faults.. mistakes.. and the next moves he would do..
He doesn’t deserve this.
He doesn’t deserve me.
Time is wasted if we remain stable.
I am water… and I run in waves.
But how?
Damn, that felt great.
I remember moments. With a smirk. I just want to go back in time and hug the person I was, and tell her how everything will be okay in a year or two. And that she will be seeing this really odd entry, while looking at it with a smirk.
But then, that would mean an echo. And echoes are dangerous for time travelers. *winks
No, seriously.
Everything killed me slowly. How the breakup was… kinetic. Sort of. Moving passionately to kill your bones one by one. How it wasn’t even there. Turned on a blind side just because I was so invested. In pursuit. Of something, that wasn’t there anymore. And then things happened.. concluding why everything felt really odd to me.
It was sudden, and it left me.. pretty weird.
I didn’t get the thing I deserved, but I gave it an “okay” anyway.
And it made me realize back then, that maybe.. I didn’t deserve anything. Turned me into this lonely abyss full of impulsive behavior, running around.. doing stuff.. and plenty of crying. Yes.. bawling. Sigh. How naive.
But as I said, I’m doing pretty well, thank you.
And I think this would be the last thing I would ever talk about it. But with joy.
Dream of the future, guys.
C
I am feeling so elated right now, as I send chills through my joints by keeping quietly hummed to the tune of lonesome solitude, in an unexpectedly peaceful place.
Last Hope by Paramore started playing on my way here and I can’t help but feel every word sung to me. It was something I never thought about when I first heard it. At first, I thought it was beautiful, poetic even. And hurtful.
I never thought it would drive me to post an entry, after a year of never touching this blog. I promised I would, but I never came back.
“I don’t even know myself at all, I thought I would be happy..”
This year has been the most hurtful one.. so far. In my whole existence of consciousness. This year was moving on.. getting back.. forgetting.. and even forgiving everyone, especially myself.
I remember, words. Pain. Bawling. But I look upon it today, and it seemed so distant already. Like it happened years back, but it only happened last year?
I have to congratulate myself for getting back on her feet, which she thought she won’t be able to do. Congratulations, for learning and realizing everyday that the world doesn’t stop for anybody. And it’s rushing..
Keeping up with my own pace is the most important thing I am learning today.. and I know it will take time to get back everything that I lost, but yes.. the world doesn’t stop for me.
It’s just that.. I am so proud of myself for my achievements. I went back to playing games, I went back to doing covers, my Photography was tested this year professionally and personally, I was given a lot of shoots and different platforms to showcase my creativity.. all that shit. I had more time with family and friends.. which is supposedly what’s important.
Who knew?
“And the salt in my wounds, isn’t burning anymore that it used to. It’s not that I don’t feel the pain, it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore. And the blood in these veins, isn’t pumping any less than it ever has. And that’s the hope I have, the only thing I know that’s keeping me alive.”
This could be my anthem, of this year ending and coming to a close.
This is really shallow, but you don’t prevent anybody from healing. You don’t mock anyone’s process. You just don’t.
I’m hoping to write more again and revive this blog! I miss writing so much.
But for now, if you’re here for the first time, I hope you check my older posts and write-ups. I was awesome.
c
It’s 2 in the morning from where I am–a dark room, on top of a naked bed–hearing only the sound of water dripping from a roof to another, accompanied by a throbbing pain at 75% of my body, and the air smelling of nothing but emptiness. How does one smell emptiness, anyway?
The 75% aching comes from different parts: left boob, my ass, left knee, my entire back.
I actually fell down a flight of really slippery stairs today. Landed on my ass, and a pot of mud fell off, hitting the left side of my body. For a moment, I actually thanked my angels for saving my head. And no, my life didn’t flash before me.
So I started my new year with a bang. But it felt great. I felt like I needed that push somehow. And the pain didn’t matter.. yes, literally. I wasn’t hurting until now. I think the bruises are waking up.
2016 was too…. short.
It felt like it lasted for a month, what with everything that’s happened. Life in general, 2016 was a hurtful one. A lot of people died.
(I was really trying to enumerate events after that statement but I can’t seem to put them into words without my mind blanking out. I have no words.)
.
.
.
I’m sorry.. I have become so confused. I think this is because of how I worked myself too hard. I have failed, but I always try to keep myself from falling with all the mistakes I made.. so I’ve become so busy and preoccupied and stressed and sad and weirder.. every. Single. Day.
This person I’ve built this year was a good one, but the hardest so far. Burning bridges to make room for the new (and better) ones. Overeating all the stress away so I became “healthier”. Not loving myself a little more. Taking responsibilities to help and actually do something for the family. Adulting in many ways. Slowly taking baby steps to living independently. I spend my own money already, I don’t ask for money anymore. Forgetting to breathe all the time because I really blank out (not black out that’s different) for seconds.
In all of my preoccupation, I have become so slow. Unimaginative. Wasteful. Ironically unproductive.
Money-wise, I’m really grateful for all the blessings I’ve received and I want to work as much for the future. I don’t want to stop.
I just need to cope.
Brighter. Wiser. And balanced.
I don’t want to have a mid-life crisis in my 20s. It’s like saying I have to die in my 40s! Let’s live ourselves to the fullest and reach the hundreds! Like our ancestors did. Pretty much.
Be water. And be brave.
You got this, self.
C
…that I’m alright. That I have never been this fine and great and healthy and powerful and loved before. I am just so grateful of all the people that stayed with me even though I’ve changed.. for the better. I have become a stronger person now, with ideas, a stand in life, and a goal. A brighter future is what’s ahead of me if I keep away with people that appear to be leeching my whole capability, my strength and my wisdom. Draining me from everything that I am, depending on me, making a fool out of my kindness, and crying out to me just because they need me.
I don’t need these people.
…that I’ll be fine. As long as I stay true, packed with ideas, keep thinking out of the box, and having a stand on those people who try to take that away from me. I’ll be fine. I promise. If it takes staying away from friends who put bullets right into my ego, without them even knowing it, I’d go as far as the green mile would take me.
…that I’m grateful. For all the things, for all the beautiful things, for my heart, for my family and for the man who made me realize, love can be as beautiful as the rain. He’s probably on his way to a client meeting right now for a video project, earning us a life after college. I have never been so proud of a boyfriend before. Not that I’m saying I had a lot. (take that idea away from you, now that I kind of introduced it) I’m just saying he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, ever. I’m pretty sure about him, and I have never been this sure my whole life. Like, really.
I’m gonna marry him someday! (Oh, I can’t believe I’m saying it on the internet!)
Well, anyway. That’s all for now. I have to go watch some movies and absorb knowledge through visual arts.
alien making earthly notes 